hiccups

am in the middle of transferring my flickr account to a paid one, and reorganising my collections & sets over there – and seem to have managed to disappear a load of my pics – oops!  will gradually fix them!

now for an little update: move to brighton went well, in the end, and am loving it here!

plus, I get to see Tiaan and her mummy & daddy loads, which is ace! she’s just got her first proper grownup bed & bedroom, and I’ve been altering curtains/making cushions and a laundry bag and so on. She reeeeally liked the first cushion and wouldn’t be parted from it!

that’ll do, pig, that’ll do

I know it’s depressingly English to talk about the weather, but bloody hell, the weather! It’s SO grim. Even if you get a flash of sunshine in the morning you are guaranteed it will be lashing it down by the afternoon. It’s been a very grey weekend, and I have devoted myself to trying to not think about the flat sale and otherwise occupy myself.

As a result, the kitchen and bathroom are spotless, and everything else is… well… it’s been hoovered, anyway, which is a good sign as it means I could get to the floor. Honestly, who gets bored enough to fully spring clean?

Generally speaking, my year of pauperdom and sporadic freelancing (is it a year? crap!) has taught me or reminded me of many useful things, mainly that I really don’t need as much money as I thought I did. I need a lot more than what I have, of course, at least to keep the people who keep sending me bills happy (hello? money vampires? you’ll get paid when I sell the flat. chill) but I’m talking about all the other stuff you buy seemingly for no reason other than to keep up with people.

I haven’t had new clothes in nearly a year, and am really not bothered by it. I’ve actually given 2 binbags full away to my neighbour, and I still have more than I ever wear (ok, mostly it’s too small, hahaha). I could probably do with some new shoes, as the rain keeps reminding me (lol), but as long as it doesn’t get too hot to wear my boots, I’ll be OK. I haven’t had new DVDs or CDs, probably one of my biggest money-sinks previously – and haven’t missed it one bit. Ah – except for Battlestar Galactica series 3, but I got that for Xmas in the end so all is well.

The main things I have missed are: new books, yarn, and posh food.

Food - I flatter myself I’m a reasonably good cook, and can make something yummy, or at least edible, out of most old rubbish I have in the cupboard, but ohhh to be able to munch down a load of parma ham or smoked salmon or something nice from a bakery! Even to get a previously-scorned mocha coffee from St@rbucks without thinking ‘oh wait, can’t, that’d buy a week’s worth of catfood’.

Books - quite frankly I’m suprised I haven’t knitted myself a gun and held up a bookshop by now. My local library is dire beyond all mention, and I’m terrible at deadlines, so I fear I am persona non grata there since I didn’t take my last book back for about 3 months! But since at the last count I have a couple of 100 cluttering up my shelves, I’ve actually been able to take down and re-read some old treasures, which has been fab. I’ve had a clearout of books over the last couple of months, but mainly filtering out the real airport trash, there’s some goodies still there. I’ve also been able to fantasy-shop with the help of an Amazon wishlist!

Yarn - well, as my dad said when he brought me back wool from Australia: “I had no idea it was so bloody expensive!” – a point I agree with, but couldn’t help reminding him how much his model train hobby has cost over the years It’s all a matter of perspective! Going into a yarn store (except for a required trip on xmas eve to get wool for dad’s sweater & a couple of bits my sis gave me money for) has been out of the question for a whole year. I can browse online, but not get into the dangerous ground of touching and petting when I actually have a purse nearby (that’s sounds a bit like downloading pr0n vs a hen weekend in amsterdam, but if you’re into wool, you’ll know what I mean!).

And then I found The Loopy Ewe – home of all that is good in the world of sock & lace yarn. Heard of it ages ago but never bothered checking it out, as I assumed like so many US shops they didn’t deliver to the UK. But they do. For no higher than £8, which they will lower and knock off your bill if the actual charge is less than that. And like Amazon, they have wishlists. Something I never even knew I needed until I saw it. Danger Will Robinson!!

So anyway, my point about otherwise occupying myself is that I spent a good hour or so after my house-cleaning frenzy on Sunday, fantasy yarn-shopping. And boy was it good. Alpaca with a Twist Fino in Silver Bells for a splendid victorian shawl? Dream in Colour Smooshy for Knitty’s Jeanie? they have it all. Danger danger. Well, no real danger, as there’s not enough money in my bank to pay for even the postage, but it felt a little dangerous and naughty to make a list, and that’ll do right now! Why do I get an image of the farmer in Babe saying “that’ll do, pig, that’ll do” when I say that?

In actual knitting news – I have stormed ahead with my leaf lace shawl, and for all the times I said “pshaw you must be crazy” (yes, I said pshaw, shuttup) when people said the pattern repeats were easily memorised after a while, I take it all back. They are. There are a couple of errors – but I’m kinda hoping only I can see them. It’s for me, anyway, and a test to see if I have the stamina for lace, so it doesn’t matter too much. It also resulted in I think my favourite ever WIP picture:

Poor kitty. Those long purl repeats across the back are enough to bore anyone. Although she could be yodelling, or indeed carolling, it’s hard to tell.

The pics still look quite blobby, but I’m told that is the way with lace, and that the magic will happen later, after blocking. It’s no longer just a brown blob though, but an orange, orangey-brown and brown blob. How exciting!

Here’s the blob:

And here’s a bit stretched out (cunningly employing the use of spare hand & a foot on the sofa) to see the pattern:

I have no idea what I’ll wear it with – brown is a fave colour for me but nothing I have screams “I need a shawl” – but I do just so love these rich autumnal colours, together, and being all leafy.

So – no news on flat sale – I chased today, but the relevant letter has not been received by buyer’s solicitor and so on – I shall chase again tomorrow, and possibly crack a whip or two. God, I just want this all to be over!!

happy new year!

So – Happy New Year! I finally get to share my Xmas knitting. But first, my Xmas story – if you just want knitting and no introspective ramblings, then look away now. Maybe come back in a couple of days, there will be pics and everything.

This year was an odd Xmas for me (and probably the rest of the family too, but as this blog is just about me, I get to be as self-indulgent as I like!). Dad had announced just before Xmas that he was getting married to the woman he’s been seeing for the last 8/9 months, Pam, and that we were going to be spending Xmas at her house. Bearing in mind I’d met her twice at this point, for a sum total of about 5 hours, I felt a little peculiar about this. I didn’t doubt she was a nice person, but to suddenly change all our plans (we had up till then planned to go to my sister’s, until Dad’s life plans all changed – mine & Jen’s still hadn’t, and god knows we could do with a bit or proper rest/stability over the holidays). His theory was that he’d taken mine & Jen’s feelings into account and decided this would be best. As he’d ‘taken our feelings into account’ by not actually asking us what we felt, and deciding that ‘the best solution’ was just to do what he wanted to do anyway, I’m afraid I saw my arse over this one and flatly refused.

Anyway, after various tense phonecalls and a fair amount of crying, we ended up finding a middle ground by having it at his place – me, my sis, Dad, Pam and her son Martin (who I’d never met). The idea was they would stay Xmas Eve, Day, and Boxing Day at Dad’s, then he would go back with them to her place to be with the rest of her family. The couple of weeks running up to Xmas I spent utterly crapping my pants about what this would be like. I’ve absolutely nothing against Pam – I like her, and she makes Dad happy, which he is rightly entitled to, and it’s not like I’m ever going to live with them or anything, so I’m very happy for him. It’s just at that point I didn’t feel at all like I knew her, and her very existence is a constant reminder of the Absence Of Mum. It’s only just over 2 years since she died, so I don’t really think I’m being melodramatic by getting upset about it. However, staying upset about it just isn’t an option I want to pursue – even Mum would kick my butt over that one – so I just had to get on & deal with it.

The first couple of days/nights were extremely hard. Due to lack of funds for a train journey it was decided I would meet Pam (who was visiting her brother in London) on the 23rd for a lift back to the west country, and having been expecting to just get in the car & set off I was surprised to end up back at her brother’s house for a while to say her goodbyes to them (though thankfully it gave me a chance to go to the loo! Did I mention Aunt Flo had also decided to come along for the trip? Thanks for that, body, I really needed that). So I ended up also meeting her brother, his wife, their 2 kids, and her parents all in one fell swoop. Which was 100 kinds of weird. But her parents came across like proper grandparents, so it’ll be nice to experience grandparent types around who aren’t drunk/nasty/generally bastards. When we got to her place, Dad came & picked me up, with my sis, and we met Martin (20yo soon-to-be stepbrother) and had some dinner.

Anyway, when we finally got back to Dad’s I had had about as much emotional overload as I could cope with for one day. Had a bit of a sniffle in the car on the way back, but was in the back seat so hopefully no-one noticed, and when I finally got to bed cried for about an hour before getting to sleep. The proper ugly cry, just unstoppable and gutwrenching. None of it whatsoever to do with the people I was spending Xmas with, but rather the one I wasn’t – Mum – because I still miss her on occasion with the pain of 1000 molten needles being plunged into my eyeballs. I was not optimistic about the prospect of a Xmas spent feeling like this.

Xmas Eve, as Xmas Eves are, was long and tiring, though lovely Dad took me well out of his way to go to Get Knitted which would have made my year if I hadn’t been so poor, knackered and generally apprehensive about the next few days. As it was, it just made my day It was very handy over the rest of Xmas whenever I was stressed to open my Get Knitted bag and go ‘mmmm fresh yarrrrn’ – lol – what can I say, it’s a coping mechanism ;P

Xmas Day I was up at 6am as usual, because despite being allegedly a grownup, I am also still FIVE YEARS OLD when it comes to Xmas Day! Spent a couple of hours playing my DS before deciding it was probably safe to gently wake up the house without getting stabbed, so went down & made tea – on the basis that if you’re going to annoy the shit out of someone by waking them up earlier than they want & squealing ‘it’s XMAS!!!’ at them, as if they were unaware of the date, then the least you can do is make them a cup of tea for the shock. Also, equipping them with a mug of boiling liquid which could easily become a weapon encourages you to try to be less annoying than you otherwise might be.

Xmas Day was also the day when I got through all the sobbing and feeling upset, and started feeling grumpy and all hemmed in. Even when I tried to escape to the kitchen to cook Xmas dinner I had people wandering in and faffing around and generally getting in my way and trying to butt in when I needed some quiet time. I can cook on auto-pilot, so really wanted the time for thinking, but I guess they weren’t to know that. I really did my best to control my grumpiness though, as generally I was starting to get a good feeling about the future of having a new family like this. Also, it’s only a 2-bed house so there aren’t many other places to hang out! To be honest, I also know that my hemmed-in feeling is due to living & spending an great deal of time on my own, and my head just getting very ‘busy’ because I wasn’t used to it. We had a lovely Xmas dinner though, and soon after I finally started feeling the Xmas spirit, and Boxing Day was lovely. Dad & Pam & Martin headed back off to see their family and do the ‘we’re getting married’ announcement the day after, and I finally got to spend some time just letting the noise in my head subside and trying to work it all out.

My gut reaction, mid-December when all this was kicking off, was to spend my Xmas hiding under my duvet with the cat and going ‘la la laaa’ very loudly. But I’m no longer a child, and do have to take other people’s feelings into account, whilst also finally having the equipment to insist they don’t take mine for granted. And there is the inevitability of change, and so I had to get on with it. And I have to say, I’m really glad I did. Despite the icky first couple of days, I ended up having a good time, and it will be better in the future because of it. Pam really does seem to suit my dad very well, and they are very happy, and my stepbrother-to-be seems like an absolute sweetheart, one I’d pick from a list if I had to choose a stepbrother.

I’m sure the very start of this New Year is going to be a continuation of the annoyingness and upheaval of last year – what with an imminent move (hopefully!!), joblessness, and everything – but in general, I’d say things are starting to look up, and I’m feeling optimistic